I have been procrastinating on writing this piece for over half a year now… That is how strong my inner mechanisms and machinations of self-sabotage can be, once they set their mind to it. And in spite of the many drafts, I never managed to bring myself to even scratch the surface of what “beginnings” mean to me.
Sometimes, you get so caught up in your routines, you seem to believe you have it all together, that nothing can surprise you anymore, that there is no fresh start anywhere in sight. And then, life throws one at you, one that is so dramatic, so life-changing, that you can no longer deny the fact that every day, every moment is a new beginning, every thought and every decision is a possibility to try or to learn something new.
If I’ve learned anything from the past 2 years, is that each morning marks a new commitment to starting something again, and again, as if it were the first time. When I started my diet, when I started going to the gym, for the first time ever in my life, when I started opting for vegetarian food, when I started practicing energy healing and meditation daily: that was, at once, a new beginning and the development of a routine. My reason for wanting to change my life was fear… the fear of my health deteriorating so badly that it would bring inevitable death.
But life doesn’t have to be dramatic, it doesn’t have to shake you to the core, your situation and your circumstances don’t have to become painful or unbearable before you make the decision to change something. But every new beginning can only be kick-started with a change, with a transformation.
In tarot, Death is famed to be one of the “bad” or “dramatic” cards, one that indicates suffering, pain, angst, separation and all of the things that us humans generally refuse to do, because we are afraid of that leap into the unknown that any change of the status quo might represent or bring about. However, the meaning of the Death card is that of “transformation”, of cleaning up old patterns, old ways – of letting that which no longer serves us take its rightful place into the past, as we make space and way for something fresh and novel to come in. And that change is, most times, perceived as detrimental or hurtful, simply because we choose to cling to what we know.
I like to think of myself as a planner. I tend to be a bit (ehm, ehm… a lot) of a panicker, so taking precautions, anticipating the results, foreseeing the consequences and tracing my next steps is very important in nurturing that feeling of safety and reassurance. Especially since, being the stubborn and autonomous (at any cost) creature that I am, I prefer making sure I can handle and manage every situation by myself and through my own strengths and resources.
And yet, if we are to look at the main events of my life, those that really marked my existence and my course, they appear to be tremendously haphazard, completely unrelated with one another and lacking any logic or linearity in the narrative. My life seems to be the result of a long series of accidents, mishaps, surprises or coincidences. But we all very well know that there is no such thing, that everything being brought into existence is the result of our manifesting powers and the complicity of the Universe, gently and humorously orchestrating our dance through time.
I am now preparing to welcome new life into my life, and that has been very confrontational. Fear, doubt, anxiety, regret, shame, guilt… believe it or not, those are legitimate emotions for a mother-to-be to experience. My brain working over hours to make me feel absolutely miserable, regardless of the choice I would have made. Is this a good time to bring a child into the world? Is it normal to feel so utterly overwhelmed and unprepared? Is it responsible and sensible to have a child in my condition? How does this fit into my idea of motherhood or that of a family or a home?
Yesterday, I found out it is going to be a girl. I have already thought of a name for her, Aura. Being the control-freak that I am, I have, of course, already consulted my astrologer to find out as much as I could about placements and planetary movements around Christmas time, when my baby is due. And despite the numerous fortunate and positive elements, the one that worried me beyond any imagination is the transit of Dark Moon Lilith in Cancer, the sign of the mother and the home.
The intertwining of the black and white, of the positive and the negative, of the sensitive and the rebellious, of the mother and the temptress, the angel and the witch can certainly be challenging. The confrontation of wanting to help others to the point of self-sacrifice and needing help and support (without ever asking for it) is something that I myself have struggled with, ever since childhood.
But this only motivates me to change something about myself, for the better, for the forever. To clean up my mess, to establish better, more nurturing connections with the people around me (and specifically, nurturing for myself), to make my needs loud and clear, to be bold and brave in asking for what I want, to have the courage and humility to admit that I need and to accept and receive help, when offered. And to lead by example. To make life easier for my daughter, to support her in integrating her shadows and challenges and building a luminous life for herself.
And that, dear soul, fellow friend, is what new beginnings are all about. Being a part of the dynamic motion of the Universe, it is inevitable that we experience challenges, conflicts, downfalls, disappointments. Our stubbornness to predict and micromanage every tiny aspect of our existence, to make sure that our lives are picture-perfect only make us avoid the inevitable, which is the constant and magnificent flow of life, moving through, swaying through or pushing through us and all that surrounds us.
“The wind does not break a tree that bends”, says an African proverb. If that is so, I will draw from the 11900 days of new beginnings I have experienced so far, and start yet a new chapter. One where I know I can rely on my strong and firm roots, while allowing myself to follow with the motion of life, with grace and ease, with suppleness and flexibility and with the confidence that every new thought, every new decision, every new action will generate more harmony, more beauty, more kindness, more courage, more healing and more love, for myself and for everything that I create on this beautiful Earth.
Luminous Love,
Vladiana
Love Labourer 