A few years ago, when I has my first birth chart reading, the astrologer revealed to me that I had Lilith in the sign of Scorpio, in the first house (The house of Self). He summarised by saying that I was my biggest enemy. The voice in my head is overly dramatic, petty, passive-aggressive, controlling, judgemental and vindictive: all of the negative traits of a Scorpio, directed at my own person, putting me down time and time again, day after day.
My mum often told me “When you were little, you were perfect”. Which, to me, meant that I was no longer perfect, and had to live in the shame of having lost my perfection, having had my own little “fall from Heaven”. And it also meant that I am constantly trying to restore a previous version of myself, that I deem prettier, smarter, friendlier, braver, sexier … better than who and what I am today. So, if there is one thing that is holding me back, is my self-doubt and self-judgement, stopping me from living the life I imagine.
I can vividly visualise my future life: I am active and fit, confident and happy in my own skin, living off my spiritual work (Tarot readings, energy healing, regression therapy, Tibetan massage and life coaching) in a lovely house, with big windows, white curtains flowing in the soft breeze, as I write articles or create audio-visual content for my businesses. My cat lazily sleeping on my lap, my dog joyfully playing in the garden with my wonderful children, while my beautiful husband, who loves me dearly, honestly and peacefully, is sitting across from me, reading a book, a serene smile on his face.
That is the result of me overcoming my fears and diving right into who I want to be, shutting down that nagging voice that discourages, demotivates me and slowly destroys me. The alternative scenario? Growing into a bitter, bored and saggy old woman, isolated from society in a dark place, where I hide the hideous monster that I perceive myself to be, like the Beast from the story, keeping himself away from the world, so as not to hate them, so as not to hurt them, so as not to hurt himself.
I started my blogging journey precisely 3 years ago on this day, January 1st. The year is now 2022. With the numerological value of number 6, this year is all about choices. In the Major Arcana of Tarot, two cards have the energy of number 6: The Lovers, and the Devil, both extremely similar in appearance, one representing free, unconditional, divinely-guided love, while the other symbolising karmic ties, co-dependency and addiction. How, then, do I make sure that my choice is for Love? How do I ensure I do the labour of Love?
Yesterday I drafted my resolutions for the year ahead: practice self-love, always speak truth, eat mindfully and exercise daily. I always thought that what I needed to learn in order to attain my objectives was discipline, rigor, structure. I am coming to learn that what I need instead is motivation, excitement, curiosity, courage and spontaneity. And above all, compassion for myself and for my journey, learning to cut myself some slack when my Inner Judge seems to believe I am doing something wrong or “not good enough”, and to direct my energy into the task at hand, into the day-to-day work that it is to live the life I want. I am happy to report that I am off to a pretty good start: today I gave myself energy, did yoga, ran a bit, walked 11000 steps, spent most of my day outdoors, smiling at random strangers in the street and I spent some time with my cat. I also launched my new project (Full-time Self-love) in an attempt to do just that: support myself on the journey and through the struggles and making sure that I do what I need to, every day, to make sure I am proud of the person I am and I am becoming. Because sometime, I need convincing that I REALLY AM worthy of love.
I have constantly blamed my bodyweight for my feeling miserable and not wanting to “put myself out there”. The past year, I have been incredibly ashamed for putting so much weight back on, after I had done so well (even the Inner Judge seems to agree), the year before. What am I truly afraid of, though? I am afraid of being judged by the others, afraid of not being good enough, afraid of failing, afraid of not being able to maintain the positive image others may have of me, afraid of disappointing, afraid of being cast out, afraid of being alone. In Romanian, a wise proverb teaches us “You can’t escape that which you fear”. And if I look at my life objectively, I really don’t have much to lose by doing exactly the opposite of what I am doing now.
The way I see it, I strongly wish and absolutely must get back into a physical shape which is not only healthy, but also allows me increased mobility, flexibility and strength, enables me to be better performing and more successful in dealing with physical and emotional challenges. It would also provide a chance to restore my self-esteem and my appreciation of my accomplishments and shut that voice once and for good.
So, that is what I am going to patiently, slowly, lovingly dedicate myself to, starting this year and for the rest of my life, because the labour of love is undying and unending, it is fearless, it is ruthless and it will break through all the self-judgement and build an altar of love instead.
Confident love,
Vladiana
Love Labourer 