Love after Love

Dear Grandpa,

As I write this, my eyes have welled with tears. Don’t worry, I have never felt despair or sorrow after you left, only love, gratitude, appreciation for who you were and are and the sadness of not having been able to share more with you. Although I am fully aware that you are present, every time I hear the song “Nah Neh Nah”, every time I remember that I am Light.

Today, I saw granny cry. She was hurt about something mum had said, because she cannot get over how harmonious her relationship with you was and she imagines that’s how all relationships should be. She is still so used to talking to you, to the countless hours of discussing about everything and nothing… so used to sharing, to growing, to doing everything together.

A few days ago I was talking to Elia about the arguments between mum and granny, about communication and about relationships. About how both her and I seem to have this romanticised idea of what being in a couple should be and feel like… so does mum, in fact, and it’s all because that is what we learned from granny. Which really ruined relationships for us, if I am truly honest.

Because what we learned is that, your husband is your best friend. A man who is ready and willing to listen to your stories, to ask about everything you have on your mind, a man who values your opinion and wants to know what you think of his projects, his initiatives, his vision. A man who wants to create something grand, something way beyond his condition, something that fulfils the vastness, the richness of his spirit and of his potential.

A man who works hard and loves even harder, a man who laughs and greets people kindly, wholeheartedly, a man whose loving spirit shines through his eyes. A man who can tell you to go fuck yourself just as bluntly and wholeheartedly, if you happen to slack, be uncommitted, dishonest, lazy or just annoy him in traffic.  

Many of the moments I remember about you are fading or melting down in a haze, but one thing that lingers, strong and vivid as if it were yesterday, is how it felt knowing you believed in me, supported me, were proud of me. From your cunning, satisfied smile when I was baking cakes, to your excitement about my trip to Mexico, of which you spoke to everyone you knew, to you telling me, in one of our last conversations, that you would always be proud of me.

Now I understand why, despite your departure being the most dramatic moment of my life, it was never painful. Because in your infinite care and love, you made sure to not leave any business here on Earth unfinished. No words unspoken, no documents unsigned, no last will unset, no love undisclosed, and, as you said it yourself on your deathbed, no regrets.  We were aware and prepared for you to go, and you made sure to give us the time to say our goodbyes. That is why I feel that, although my weekly task asks me to write about loss, I do not feel I have lost you, because there was closure, there was clarity, and what was left was pure, unconditional, never-ending love.

I have however lost other people, friends or lovers… Some have returned, some are forever gone, some – I am yet to find out. What they all have in common, though, is that, when they left, what was left was not love, but emptiness, doubt, uncertainty, guilt, anger, sorrow… They left without a word, without a goodbye, without an explanation. They left and I was left filling in the blanks of their absence. I do not understand why they call that “ghosting”, that is very disrespectful to departed spirits, not to mention inaccurate, since ghosts actually try to communicate even from the afterworld.

Taurus people seem to be leaving my life at an alarming pace in the past two years, grandpa. Which is strange and hurtful, given how much love I have for them. I guess I am biased – like granny, like mum – I too, project my idea of you onto others. I too, imagine, hope, yearn for a connection so strong, that it defeats every boundary, breaks every taboo, overcomes every challenge, erases every pain, and grows stronger, wiser, kinder, more loving with every day that goes by.

I felt completely lonely, abandoned and broken when the person I considered my best friend decided that it was time for her to continue her journey without me in her life. It has been challenging to put back the pieces, to try open up to people again, but it’s been over a year now, and well, to quote Rumi, whom she loved… “The wound is the place where the Light enters you”.  And light continues to come in and be alchemized into ever-growing self-love. And maybe she had to go, in order to make room for a different kind of best friend.

I must have taken that from you… suffering in dignity and silence, not showing how broken or damaged I am, being strong, being resilient, being brave, being unshaken in the face of hardship… I wish I could cry, to wash away my grief with the purity of my tears, to cleanse my soul with the deep rivers of my eyes. Instead, my spirit shines through my eyes, as I laugh and greet people kindly, wholeheartedly, as you did, as my husband – my best friend – will do one day.

So, grandpa, what is loss, what is grief, if not the absence of a love once felt? Which is why, I will never experience loss, because Love is undying, unending, unbroken. People may come and go, but Love remains forever. It may be twisted and torn into pieces, it may be trashed, it may be hurt, it may look itself in distorting mirrors and think that it’s something else. But it persists, no matter what, it survives, no matter what. You and I, grandpa, we are strong, resilient, brave, unshaken… Like Love.

Immortal Love,

Your Ioana

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: