“Depression is just stuck energy”, came the answer, to the question “Is that what depression feels like?”, that I was asking my beloved friend just the other day, on my birthday, wrapped in a fluffy bathrobe, my hair in a messy updo, a leftover glass of sparkling one on the corner of the coffee table and very little will to celebrate.
I guess I have been feeling stuck for quite some time now. Which explains my absence from the blog, the absence of proud and happy mirror selfies, the absence from many places I wish I visited, the absence from many events I wish I attended, the absence from many commitments I made to myself and failed to keep, the absence of curiosity and excitement, the absence of hope and purpose, the absence of meaning and motivation, the absence of inspiration and clarity, the absence of inner fire.
You may have noticed (or not) my attempt at a rebranding of the blog. Why? Because I was looking for a fresh start. But mostly, because I had outgrown CurvyBuddha. She has served me well, while I tried to make sense of my journey into adulthood. She has helped me navigate experiences and emotions and put a name on new ways of feeling and of being. She has supported me in figuring out how to love myself and for that, I love her and I am grateful to her.
But she did not know how to be something else. She did not know how to be woman. She did not know how to be a romantic partner. She did not know how to interact with men, how to respect her boundaries, how to manifest her sacred sexuality. She did not know how to be slim, to feel sexy, to feel desired, to allow her body to experience pleasure, to ask for what pleases her and to stand firm and steady into her standards, while being unflustered, unshaken and undisturbed by any external factor. Which is why it was time for her to go.
And while I am still figuring out and integrating all the new sides, all the new parts, all the new lessons, all the new wings, all the new roots, all the new possibilities of me growing into this infinite space of potentiality that I am, the first step is to shake off the stuckness and to tune to my limitless power of creation.
I tend to be quite stiff. I like structure and rigor and I like my thoughts, words and actions to come to a practical, tangible and useful finality. Therefore, when I observe myself think, speak and do things that are not in alignment with my inner, ultimate truth, that do not serve my mission and purpose, that hinder my growth and evolution, I feel trapped in this very strange sort of outer body experience, in which I witness my self-destruction.
I have a long to-do list that has been long disregarded. Inspired actions and dreams to bring into existence, pending tasks and duties to fulfil, dreams and hopes to manifest, addictions and karmic cycles to burn… all melting into idleness and a fading memory of the vibrant and spirited Vladiana of a few months back.
Bad habits replacing the good, self-resentment replacing self-appreciation, self-doubt replacing self-confidence, self-isolation replacing self-updating and self-shaming replacing self-love spiralling down into stuck energy and feeling rather unhappy.
Today I was asked what made me feel bad and what made me feel good. And it was the first time in quite a while that I had to reflect about the bright and light aspects of my life. I like that I am, always, regardless of circumstances, regardless of my inner storms, a good person. I like that I am loving, caring and kind. I like that I keep trying everyday although I often feel like giving up. I like that I still have plans and aspirations, that I am persistent, that I am insightful. And I really like that I am able to experience infinite gratitude, for those God-sent miracles that support me and love me daily and unconditionally, even when I fail to love myself, those wonderful people who always have my back without asking for anything in return, who listen to me without interrupting, without giving me unsolicited advice or making it about themselves, who give of themselves to me so generously, even when I have nothing to give in return.
Those people whom I can be with, wrapped in a fluffy bathrobe, my hair in a messy updo, a leftover glass of sparkling one on the corner of the coffee table and very little will to celebrate and yet feel comfortable enough to feel my feelings, to not put on a mask, to not build up walls, to not defend myself, to not hide myself, to not justify myself, to not apologise for how I feel, to not feel intruded, to not feel violated, to not feel unseen, to not feel disrespected, to not feel tired and alone around.
And for those people, and for anyone else who has ever lost their way, who has ever forgotten who they were, who has ever transformed so drastically that it scared them, who has ever felt abandoned and afraid but most importantly, for myself, I am here.
I gather the strength and composure, I am summoning my Spirit Guides, my Guardian Angels, my Inner Child, my Inner Healer, my Divine Feminine, and above all, my true, authentic, Highest Self, my Divine Light and that mighty fire within me, to shine and to brighten my path and to lead the way, as I continue to grow, to learn, to heal, to exist, to transform, to become, to manifest, to be and to love.
I unstuck myself, I let go of fear, of doubt, of judgement, of harm, of pain, of hurt, of lack, of sorrow and of each and all limiting thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, actions with which I keep myself small and dim my light in order not to be too loud, too happy, too excited, too vibrant, too beautiful, too smart, too sexy, too much.
I am here to find out who I am, to enjoy my life, to love myself, to embrace my mission and to shine my path, and yours, Dear Soul, if you’ll let me.
Evermore love,
Vladiana
Love Labourer 