Over the past few months, I forgot to love myself. I kept running in loops, being disappointed in myself, feeling that I am letting myself down and constantly struggling to get myself re-focused and to get redemption, to forgive myself. I kept apologising to my body for mistreating it and consequently falling back into old patterns. I developed emotional coping mechanism of compulsive eating and I kept oscillating in weight, when, in fact, the only thing I needed was to feel loved.
So, what happened there? Oh, fellow friend, but you know already… the enemy of love is fear. And my fear over the past months was that I was still too far from my ideal weight and from my ideal partner. The further away from it I thought I was – the further from it I was getting. Tonight is the furthest I ever felt to be.
Yet an ideal is something imaginary, something perceived by the mind to be perfect and at once unattainable. Therefore, tonight, I decided that on this journey, I am no longer seeking an ideal bodyweight, nor an ideal man to share my life with. As of now, my only destination is reality, truthfulness and agreement with what I hold sacred and dear: the pure and loving voice of my own intuition and conscience.
I may have met some delays, some bumps in the road, some detours and even some backtracking. Yet all those obstacles have brought me closer to truly understanding where I am headed: to my ultimately true, authentic, natural and perfect self. For I am perfect without being unrealistic and I am perfect without being flawless.
As I write these lines, a quote comes to mind: “Darling, you are much too whole to be loved in halves”. I have finally figured that this saying refers not only to love you receive from outside, from external parties, but also, and probably, above all, to the love you are capable to give yourself, day after day, moment after moment.
In a raw, radical gesture of self-love, I dedicate this publication to myself. It is 04/04 on the night of Catholic Easter. A couple of days back I was talking to my beautiful mum, with whom I permanently have wise debates, uplifting conversations and soul-nourishing insights, and I referred to Genesis 1:27, that says: “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.” I commented about how being created in God’s own image means precisely that we, as humans, also have the capacity to be creators, and co-creators of the Universe, together with God the Creator. The reality I envisage for myself, the reality I am creating for myself is one of beauty, peace, love, abundance and magnificence.
Therefore, before I await for any commitment with a man, I now commit to myself. I will be faithful to myself and honest with myself; I will respect, trust, help, and care for myself. I will forgive myself as I have been forgiven, and I will try to better understand myself, the world and God; through the best and worst of what is to come, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as I shall live. This is my solemn vow.
At the start of this week, I received an apology letter and I hoped that behind it, there was a secret message of love. I feel it is high time I wrote an apology and love letter to myself, straightforward and clear, so much so that I never have to doubt…
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My beloved Vladiana,
Keep walking, beautiful; the best part of the journey is ahead. You may have gotten lost for a while, but I am here to guide you to yourself. You may have thought that you learnt all the lessons of self-love, and that it was now time to be loved by someone else. You had transformed yourself completely, you were proud of yourself; you were filled with the satisfaction of your achievements and ready to take over the world, and you wanted to share that realm of love for Vladiana with another person. But you, see, my darling girl, the moment you made that decision, you abdicated your throne of self-love.
You forgot just how much hard work, dedication, determination and discipline it had taken you to reach your success. You assumed you could wing it as you went, thinking you were strong and you knew better now, after all that you had been through. Yet here you are – alone in bed at night, crying yourself to sleep because you feel you have failed yourself. But worry not, I am here to wipe your tears and to assure you that everything is going to be alright.
You have not failed, you were simply caught up in the thick fog of your own fears for a while, and that has derailed you from your path. You feared not being good enough, not being lovable enough, not being slim enough, nor beautiful enough to be loved, cherished, admired and appreciated. You then started fearing you would never find a partner, someone who would truly show up and be there for you, just like you were willing to be there for him. Yet, doing that, you forgot to be there for yourself. But worry not, I am here to show you the way back to self-love.
I am infinitely proud of you. Of how you stand tall despite the challenges, how you never surrender, how you are the living example that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. How you always remain kind and loving, even when people fail to see your worth and do not treat you as per your merit. How you keep your vision, your dream ahead of you and you do not budge in your limitless faith that good things can and are happening to you, every moment you are in alignment with your mission.
I am proud of how you are learning to love yourself every day, with small rituals of self-worship, such as your healthy meals or the way you but body lotion on, before bedtime. I am proud of how you stop to smell the flowers, listen to birds chirp, watch children play and observe people live their lives, gracefully or not. I am proud of how you are always ready to help, ready to serve and ready to welcome everyone into that immense and cosy space that is your heart, where one can find a warm meal, a warm blanket or a warm hug.
I love you. I love you and I wish for you to strive, to blossom, to shine your light so brightly that people around would remain in utter awe of your strength and might. I wish for you to fulfil your goals, to finalise the divine mission you were sent for, that of enjoying every single moment of your existence here on Earth, fear-free, guilt-free, carefree and sometimes, gluten-free.
I would love nothing more, nothing would make me a greater honour than if you were to trust me and allow me to be your teammate on this adventure. I will hold you, soothe you, cheer you on, comfort you, caress you, encourage you and treat you with nothing but supreme, devoted, constant, peaceful and life-giving unconditional love.
Love,
Vladiana
Love Labourer 